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November 26, 2011 / Miss Yankovic

The complete Yank Liveblogs Black Friday.

I posted this a bullet point at a time on Tumblr.  Here’s the archive.

  • Oh God.  I was ASKED whether or not I wanted to go Black Friday shopping.  And I’m still going.  The things I endure for you guys, I swear.  🙂
  • GUYS.  I sipped from the Sprite Zero I started yesterday, and guess what Mom told me?  “Finish it.”  You guys don’t understand how great this is.
  • Sister, y u no clean out hairbrush 😦
  • Welp, I’m off to the mindless, soul-sucking, wallet-draining orgy of consumerism that is Black Friday.  Wish me luck.  I think I’ll need it.
  • Also, my throat feels like I swallowed bran flakes dry and then choked on them for about two minutes.
  • Since I’m in the backseat, I have officially been relegated to the role of Mom’s purse-hander.
  • You know you’re in for a treat when you see a huge group of men carrying a bunch of bags.
  • I feel so out of place here that it’s comical.
  • We are literally just walking around.  Wtf.
  • Also.  Guys in swimsuits at Hollister.  The f*ck.
  • We’re at Gap.  I like this place.  Why, then, do I feel so Scroogearific?  BLACK FRIDAY WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME.
  • Oh.  Damn.  Black Friday hoodies that say “Got gifts?”  THAT, ladies and gents, is why I feel like such a Scrooge.
  • …a guy in a Black Friday shirt.  And shirts that say “Team Black Friday.”  What is this shittery.
  • Gap music:  “I love you like a love song.”  1.  That’s not really a good idea.  2.  I get the damn idea.  Stop repeating yourself.
  • I found a sweater I liked.  And it was shorter than Kim Kardashian’s marriage.  Did I mention that I hate modern fashion?
  • Gap music:  Telephone by Lady Gaga.  Because Thanksgiving wasn’t enough.
  • Mom:  “Don’t you want to look for something?”  No, Mom, I’m busy being a misanthrope.
  • Gap music:  a country rendition of “Let It Snow.”  PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP
  • If this were a perfect world, every single store in this wretched mall would be playing Vince Guaraldi Christmas music.
  • Get this.  We bought my shirt (plain purple long-sleeved).  We were leaving.  Then Sis spotted another sale rack.  OH GOD WHY
  • Okay, what the hell does “Break Your Heart” by Taio Cruz have to do with Christmas?  Also, who would want a first name that is 3/4 vowels?
  • As of about two minutes ago, I am a professional fashion misanthrope.  Heh.  I kind of like the sound of that, actually.
  • If snark were worth money, I’d be so rich I could pay for my own med school.
  • A lady with a British accent just walked into the dressing room area.  When I heard her talk, I was like DAY MADE.
  • Sorry for the crappy formatting on all these text-message posts.  I’ll fix it when I return to the land of sanity get on my computer.
  • WHO THE HELL WROTE LAST CHRISTMAS, ANYWAY.  IT DOESN’T EVEN RHYME.  In case it wasn’t obvious, I REALLY HATE THIS SONG.
  • Breaking news:  I also hate the song “Magic.”
  • The hell.  “Magic” doesn’t rhyme either.
  • Attention people with huge shopping bags:  Just because you don’t bump into me doesn’t mean your gif*ckinormous bags won’t bump into me.
  • Renditions of Last Christmas I’ve heard so far:  2 and counting.  Fml.
  • Newsflash:  Trying to recall exact details of my college wardrobe isn’t easy at 7:50 AM.
  • Dear Express… Turn down your gorram bass.  Thanks, Yank and her eardrums.
  • Also:  lyrics to one Express song were, and I quote, “It’s a super-hot guy.”  Yes, I’m serious.  I don’t think my eardrums were that crippled.  I don’t want to live in this country any more.
  • In Forever 21.  How does half the crap in this store exist?
  • TECHNO VERSION OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY.  OH MY GOD JUST STOP.  YOU ARE DESECRATING MY CHILDHOOD.  Ugh.  just sdjewedujws
  • Sequined masks.  …why.  Halloween was in October, sweetie.  Just stop.
  • Can I just fall asleep on the Forever 21 scarf display?
  • I just jumped about three feet to get a sweater for my sister.  And I got it.  Why is this so hilarious to me right now?
  • Dear Forever 21… Really, what is with these center knobs on your dressing room doors?  Honestly confused here.  Sincerely, Yank.
  • Oh God, why did I only have potato bread and coffee for breakfast?
  • Mom:  “C’mon, let’s go stand in line.”  Because standing in line is so much fun.  Oh well, at least we’re closer to getting out of here.
  • $3 for a ring. …why.
  • Every Forever 21 employee is wearing something yellow.  Either they’re out to cheer people up, or they’re all Hufflepuffs.
  • Mom:  “I want to go home.”  But I’m not done being snarky yet!
  • I need food.  Actual food, food that doesn’t have a crapton of starches in it.
  • Oh my God, someone’s playing jazz.  Dave Brubeck, if I’m not mistaken.  I love humanity again.
  • I wonder how many posts I’ve made so far today.
  • Pretty sure I’m still kind of half in my obligatory turkey coma.  Which is funny because I ate a scrap and a half of turkey.
  • Okay, I don’t know what the hell was in that sample I had just now, but there’s no way that was chicken.
  • Yank’s faith in humanity:  eradicated, one grammar error at a time.  UPDATE:  More like one grammar error or horny teenager at a time.
  • I just realized… REASOR’S (without the apostrophe) is an anagram for SORE ARS, which is almost SORE ARSE.  Why do I think about this stuff?
  • Ugh.  I really, really hate the smell of Morning Fresh Germ-X or whatever it’s called.  I don’t know what’s in it, but it smells terrible.
  • …wtf.  A group of joggers ran past me.  And I’m sitting in a parking lot in the busiest part of the city.  My brain can’t take this anymore.
  • When I die and my body is donated to science, those poor scientists are going to have one hell of a time with my brain.
  • Okay, guys, I’m all snarked out.  I’m going to take a nap now.  Nighty night.
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